To the love of my life,

Last year, just when I least expected it, you came into my life. I had alot of baggage with me, I still have some of these burdens in my head and believe me I try so hard to let it go away from my thoughts but whenever I’m not as busy as I usually am, I end up overthinking all over again.

First of all, I would like to thank you. You don’t know how much you and Napnap have changed my life since you came. I was too sure back then, that I was destined to die successful but alone and empty. I’m still driven to pursue my dreams but this time I hope that when I finally achieve my dreams, you’ll be there beside me. You gave me hope. I have almost given up on myself way too many times, I guess the pressure is really hitting me hard lately so bare with me, even at times when I’m hard to handle. You’re the only one who ever handled me greatly after all. Thank you for staying by my hard headed and pain in the ass self. I know it’s not easy to be with someone like me but you loved me nonetheless.

Secondly, I would like to apologize for all the wrong things I have unintentionally done. I’m sorry for being this way, you know I try so hard not to give you any headaches these days since I don’t want to add up to your worries. There were days that I nag too much, I find nagging irritating too. It’s tiring having to repeat everything you say over and over again but I will not stop reminding you every single time on what would be the right thing to do even if it pisses you off. I’d rather have you get pissed with me but end up doing the right thing than you patronizing me but end up not choosing the best decision. I’m sorry for that, I cared for you too much but don’t worry. I have lessened it these days and only interfere when I know it would be something that you will truly regret. The mistakes will be charged to experience, as to how things will be handled much better the next time. I’m sorry if at times I made you feel that I doubted your love. I never did. I never doubted your capacity to stay loyal and faithful and love me… I was doubting that I would ever be worth it. I felt unappreciated for too long. Sometimes all I want is to hear you say “don’t worry I love you. I know your worth” and every doubt I have in myself goes away. You make me believe in myself, sorry if it took too long for me to ever see things differently. Sorry for being such a cry baby at times, I’ll be stronger now for the two of us. Before you get pissed off again, I’m already saying sorry for being an overly dramatic girlfriend that I was.

Lastly…. I loved you, I still do, and always will. The day we met, I already knew that if ever I would be given the chance to know you, I might fall for you and I did. I look forward to every single day because another day means another opportunity for me to love and be loved by you. Always remember that no matter what, I will never get tired loving you because you never gave up on me.

Love,

The Koala, The White Piggy, Atty, and the One who loves you genuinely

CANCER

“Cancer” one word, one word that bring people to tears when they hear it. People think they understand what it’s like but they don’t, until they see their loved one in pain in their last few days on earth because of it.

I remember 9th grade, when mommy and daddy had an overseas call saying that daddy was diagnosed with stage one prostate cancer. My grandfather has always lived a healthy lifestyle so it was shocking to know that he had cancer. Every day we would pray. I would even wake up at 5 am to attend the class mass at my school (I was in an exclusive catholic school for girls back then) which was at around 6 am. I prayed so hard, we all did. There was never a night that we didn’t pray the rosaty. Good thing, the doctors and the technology in the United States were the top of the line so after daddy’s radiation therapy sessions, we was found to be cancer free.

On the year 2014, my grandparents went home to celebrate their Golden Wedding Anniversay. It was their 50th year of married life, mommy and daddy went home earlier than expected and had their golden wedding celebrated a few months earlier. They celebrated it in June instead of October. I was beyond happy, to see them there, happy by each other’s side and full of love. We were so happy to know that daddy was cancer free, or so we thought he was. As it turns out he wasn’t. On the month of October, just a few weeks after my grandparents got back to the United States, daddy got confined to the hospital. We almost lost him. I remember how hard I cried seeing him with all those wires and tubes, how badly I wanted to be there with him but I know I couldn’t. He got out of the CCU but after series of tests, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. The cancer from his prostate recurred in his colon. My heart broke, first I thought of how it would be like without him, then I thought of Mommy, how much she loved him so much and how much she loves him still.

Daddy and Mommy went home the following year on holy week in the year 2015. Daddy, despite his pain was still so thankful for being able to be home and for being still alive. How I loved taking pictures of him and mommy as they held hands, how much I dreaded the day of losing dad. They want back to the US after the holy week but went home for Christmas which seemed unusual since they would usually spend it in the US but he chose to spend it here. Despite the doctor’s disapproval of him staying more than 3 weeks, they stayed here for more or less 2 months. When they got back, I gave dad a hug and he whispered in my ear “I thought I’d never get to be back home, maybe I would but in form of ashes…” I was fighting the tears, I had to show daddy I was strong and told him ofcourse he’ll be home, he would still be there in my oath taking ceremony after all. Days passes and everything was great. I would usually spend mornings watching him do his paperworks and all those highlighters he had.   He gave mommy a bouquet of red roses on Christmas morning. I even have a video of them dancing that morning, mommy was in tears. Little did I know that it was our last Christmas with him. We didn’t know his cancer was spreading when they left for the US on January. When daddy resumed his chemo, he got weaker. By march he decided to stop his chemo and go home to PH for good in April.

The doctors gave him a permit to travel and he miraculously got to walk by himself without any assistance from anyone so he got to travel back home. It was April 6 when they got back to PH. We were waiting at the airport, all of the passengers were already out except for them. Then there I saw him, in his wheelchair being assisted by the people from the Airport. I barely recognized him, he wasn’t his usual self. I knew something’s wrong. Mommy was there with him like she always has been. Dad cried when he saw us. Daddy always wanted to see us smile, that even when he’s in pain, he danced when he got home and laughed with us. He even called my mom the director for giving all the directions to everyone on how they will bring him upstairs. I was the one who picked the curtains and the arrangement of my mom’s old room wherein they stayed. My mom was the one who picked the native recliner though. When daddy removed his hoodie, I saw how much he lost weight. I thought his vomiting was just part of jetlag but days passed he was still not feeling well. He would cry in pain, he always would and everytime it was my turn to look after him, God knows how hard it was to fight back the tears. I would go out of the room and call someone else to look after him first then I would cry. Why him? Why did it have to be my grandfather? Daddy was such a good man, he didn’t deserve all the pain he’s going through. My heart broke every single time I saw him struggling for his life. It was the morning of April 16 when daddy passed away. Part of me was happy he was no longer in pain but it was more of a depressing feeling actually. Flashbacks of my childhood played through my mind, how he used to baby sit me as a child everytime my mom and papa were at work, that time I copied him shave his face and I shaved mine too, when my mom forgot to pick me up at school when I was 5 and just when I was about to cry he came to bring me home, how he called me “attorney” first and how we both looked forward to my oath taking ceremony when I  finally become a lawyer but these are all memories now because he’s gone. When I finally got enrolled into law school, I almost broke down in tears knowing that he could’ve been there and he would’ve been so happy if only cancer didn’t take him away from us. If only cancer didn’t have to ruin it. If only cancer didn’t happen, he would still be here and mommy would still be happy. If only cancer didn’t happen, if only.

It all seems strange, everything does. From how I used to build up walls around me, and how these walls are now gone to the point that I have shown the vulnerable side of me. I didn’t change. I just showed who I really am, the kind of person I was afraid to show other people because I dread to be seen as weak, but I’m not. Showing that you do get hurt doesn’t make you less of a person, it makes you even more of one. I remember how I used to hide the tears, how I keep it all inside of me. I used to be like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode. I still am the woman with big dreams, who does everything it takes to be successful, the only difference is that this time, I now am not afraid to be a real person, to be a person with real feelings. I am more human than I was before.

It is tonight that I realized how lucky I am and how blessed I have always been. A few years back, despite having every material thing I ever wanted, I was never as happy as I am today. The problem was never with how life was, as it turns out. The problem, had always been about me. I had almost everything but I was completely blindsided by my insecurities and dilemmas. I had a good family, my father’s business was doing great and had more than enough to provide for our needs, I had a good company of friends and enjoyed the sport I loved. How could someone ever ask for more right? But I did. I asked for more than what is due. I demanded more than what I deserved. To make things short, I was greedy and self centered. I never wanted to be like that, perhaps it was just simply because I had a different lens in viewing life back then. I was young and naive to see how life really works. I had everything but was never trully happy.  Things had changed though. My oh so perfect life isn’t so perfect anymore. People have come and go in my life. I have a fair share of heartbreaks both romantic and platonic. People I used to trust somehow ended up betraying me. I was filled with anger, not only to others but also to myself. It was hard to forgive, but much even harder to forget. For so long I have kept grudges and for so long I have kept myself from being trully happy because of this grudges. I don’t know why but God always made a way to give me a little bit of everything. In the middle of the year last 2015, things started to fall apart. My thesis was at the brink of total failure, we had a business crisis and my mom had a  heart problem, and my grandfather whom I adored so much isn’t coping well with cancer. It was like my oh so perfect world crumbled just like that. But you know what’s funny and ironic? It was then that I started to find what trully matters in life, but I didn’t get to do it alone. Since it was during those times that I met him, the man behind every smile and the one who never fails to inspire me to become a better person. I am nowhere near perfect, but to him I was. I have alot of insecurities but never have I ever felt more secured.  My life isn’t so perfect and so am I but it’ okay because I no longer want to be perfect anyway. I used to see darkness in light but now all I ever want to see is light despite the darkness of the world. I may not have every-thing, but I surely now have everything I ever needed. Life is indeed what we make out of it.

To the man who stayed

Perhaps you weren’t the first guy to ever walk into my life… But you’re the only guy who never walked out.

I guess valentines day was never my day. The first ever valentines day I spent in this world was spent in the hospital, when we lost my baby brother. It’s tragic and it stayed that way for too long, for 19 years actually… But then you came into the picture and broke the cycle.

It’s not unknown to everyone that you weren’t the first guy for me to love. But you know what? You have outweighed the love I felt for all of them summed up. I have never loved as much as I have loved you. You weren’t my first love but indeed you’re going to be my last love.

There are a tons of reasons why this is different, why you are different from all of them. With you, it was never orchestrated because with you things just happened spontaneously. I never had to be someone else, I never had to supress a side of me because maybe you wouldn’t like it but you made me want to be more of myself whenever I am with you.

Who would’ve thought right? Who would’ve thought I’d find love when I least expected it and in the least expected circumstance. But I did. And I am so happy it’s with you. I’m so lucky and so blessed to have you in my life, to finally have someone reciprocate the amount and kind of love I can give. You’re the best I’ve ever had. I know things aren’t always smooth sailing , there are times when things seem to be like a mess because well my thoughts really are one heck of a mess but I guess all I ever needed was someone like you to enlighten me. There are ups and downs. Though I love how it is at times where everything is perfect, I also treasure every single trial that comes along because it doesn’t harm our relationship but make it even stronger. I told myself last year that maybe I’ll never be the right girl, as it turns out all I needed was to be with the right guy.

To the man who stayed. The man behind the contentment I have in my life. The man who gives me the happiness I never thought I could ever have. Happy Valentines Day Bb! I love you Doc! I’ll always be your public defendant, koala and life partner ❤

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love, I know you’d probably be reading this one of these days because I know how you are and you know how crazy me and my thoughts could be at times. Today is one of those mornings, those mornings to which I miss you and feel worried about you and your driving. You said you’ll be out for a short drive and we both know how you are on the road. You didn’t message me when you got home so I’m kinda nervous again if you’re safe or what. I always am worried about your safety especially when I know you’ve been driving late at night. The thought of ever losing you scares me to death. I hope you’re okay, I love you the way I never thought I ever could.

p.s. you were born to race as you say but I was born to be nerbyosa hahahaha. I love you.

yours and always will be,

atty